Week 25: Of Being Happy

So, last week I was kinda depressive, but this week I’ve been really happy. I do that sometimes, but this time last week I had a lot on my mind, and a lot to think about in terms of getting my university results. This week has been a fairly good week.

I got my university results, and I got a 2.1! I’m officially a graduate of English literature, and I can now, hopefully, begin to properly start looking for a job in my field, and actually have the necessary qualification to do it.

I’ve put all the negative stuff about university behind me, because that era of my life is now nearly over, and I can be happy with what I’ve achieved considering the circumstances that I did a lot of my degree. I never asked for any special consideration even though I do have Asperger’s, and that sometimes made it hard to understand some things, but I did it on my own, and my grades are my own.

It’s kind of made me more confident, and happier. It’s given me a new outlook on life, and I’m raring to leave all that behind me and just focus on the future and though the changes are going to be hard. Trust me, I’ll have a few meltdowns between now and getting into my new job, but university has given me a chance to experience being away from home, and it’s an achievement I’m quite proud of considering how hard it was for me to keep moving about, and not be in the same place for no longer than three months at a time.

At least when I move out now, it’ll be sort of permanent because I won’t have to move anywhere unless I want to. And I can arrange my stuff the way I like, and not panic about the ways people are doing things that aren’t the same way that I do them, and with my own place, I can be on my own and not have to worry about needing to talk to anybody. It’ll be great.

So, I’m happy. Things are looking up for me now, and hopefully it’ll continue to do so until I get a job.

Thanks for reading.

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Week 23 + 24: Of Making Mistakes

Throughout my life, I have made mistakes, some of them I notice, and some of them I don’t. This time, I could say that perhaps this is a mistake that I have been aware of, I’ve just not really noticed the impact of until now.

I’ve been called many things throughout my life, oblivious, antisocial, difficult, etc etc. I’ve never been ashamed to be autistic, it’s who I am, and it’s something about me that I cannot change. But I’ve always been a little hesitant in telling people, and only really opening up to people when I know I can trust them enough to tell them. It’s just not something I feel like I need to declare to people in a greeting being like ‘hey, my names so and so, and I’ve got Asperger’s Syndrome.’

Sure, it makes for a bit of an awkward conversation when it comes to me wanting to tell someone, but most of the time they go ‘oh, well, that explains a few things’, or just general indifference because they’ve noticed I’m not the same as everyone else, but they don’t care.

The only real backlash I’ve ever had was from my flatmate last year, and telling her has ruined a friendship. That’s not something I can change, and not something that I would change now that I’ve had my experiences, and it’s given me a good deal of thought on how I should trust people.

I know it doesn’t sound like much as I write it, but I place a lot of significance over what actions people take, whether it be on social media or in real life. It takes me a while to understand their emotions, and most of the time I take things to heart probably a little too much (if that makes sense). So, last week, when I was checking my Facebook, I noticed my flatmate had deleted me from Facebook. And that hurt. I’ve mentioned on here before that things had just not been the same with us since I’d opened up and told her about me, and she’d been treating me differently. And though I knew that things were wrong, I clung to the desperate hope that perhaps things could get better over time.

I’m a loyal person, I can go through loads with the few friends that I do have, and still remain loyal and defensive. It’s just hard for me to let things go, so to see that one morning really threw me. It actually hurt me to think that she had just decided I was no longer important in her life, and that I was no longer necessary.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of thinking to do. Because I don’t understand, and I don’t know what happened to cause this. Part of me thought that telling someone I had Asperger Syndrome should not have ruined a friendship so spectacularly. But then, another part of me was thinking that if it wasn’t that, then what could have changed, or what had I done to cause such a nasty reaction from her? I just couldn’t think of a reason why something like this could have happened.

I put everything I had into this friendship, and the last couple of months just haven’t been easy for me, and yes, it’s true to say that I’ve had trouble talking about it, but if she thought I was going to talk to her about it after the way she’d been treating me then she had obviously not understood what I had been telling her in the first place.

So, now I don’t know what to do. I was thinking of writing an email, explaining what I felt, and how I did not understand, but there’s so many possibilities to consider. A part of me wanted to upset her for upsetting me so much, then another part of me had to admit that she probably wouldn’t have read the email anyway, it would have gone straight in her deleted folder, and all that effort I put into writing the email would have been for nothing.

So, yeah, telling her was probably the biggest mistake of my life, and I know now to think of this experience before I tell anyone else. I don’t want this to happen again.

I’m just stuck, and with no idea what has actually happened, I don’t even know where to begin with her. One thing I do truly know is that graduation is going to be bad, and I kind of don’t want to go because I know she’ll be there, but I don’t want her ruining my day, and I’ll ignore her if I have to, because I know she’ll do the same to me…

Anyway, that’s enough of my depressing talk. I hope everyone has had a better fortnight than I have.

Also, apologies for not posting last week, I had all this to think about, and my head just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to really be talking about my feelings…

Thanks for reading.

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Week 22: Of Returns

Initially, I did give quite a bit of thought to what I was going to blog about today. I’ve recently been rekindling my old love for the anime Naruto, and since watching it post-degree, there were quite a few things I quite wanted to talk about in relation to that, and the kind of themes and things that I was picking up on. Then, on Saturday, we drove to pick up my sister from university, and the kind of effects that’s had on me has kind of taken a precedent on what I wanted to blog about. As, my blog tends to be a place where I vent my feelings, and discuss issues with my life, and how I’m dealing with them.

Eventually, my sister won out. Mainly due to some of the things that have happened over the last couple of hours that made me want to share what I’m thinking, and just put my life out there. Naruto can wait for next week.

My sister and I have always been very close, in particular since I moved away first, and was at first getting used to living on my own, and having to deal with all that. My sister would come and visit my regularly, and she was the one person who at times, I felt was the only person I could really confide in, and when I was personally having trouble understanding what people wanted from me, or why people got upset at some of the things I had said.

As strange as it sounds to some people, I truly rely on my sister to guide me through the most difficult moments of my life, because I know I can trust her to give me good advise, and to not let me get really bad. Though my sister is younger than me, and people say I come across more mature, my sister is someone who knows how to deal with people, and that is something that I don’t know how to deal with. Put my in front of a computer, or stick me in front of a problem, and I’ll deal with it fine. I’m potentially one of the only people in my household that enjoys organising my bank statements, or organising all of my letters and my bookcase (which, I have now got 120 books on display, and a further 400 in storage (thankfully, none of it leads to an odd number, so I can sleep easy in my room)).

So, my sister started university last September, and the dynamic of our relationship changed. My sister started to make new friends, and experience a lot more new things, and as a result, she’s not been as quick to help me. The familiarity of the relationship that I held with her has changed, and she doesn’t enjoy the same things that I do anymore. Or, as my mum puts it ‘she just has her own life now, and she doesn’t hold the same interests as you.’ Which is true, as I did always have trouble explaining why certain things meant so much to me, and why I just can’t let things go as easy as her. My sister has just become a more outgoing person, and someone who now as life experience, and has probably realised for the first time, that our relationship is probably different to most sisters, and that I am not the typical human being in terms of social interaction… Because, according to my sister, normal people don’t go around quoting Shakespearean sonnets in normal conversation, and analysing people’s speech patterns, and generally overthinking what people are saying to me (mainly because, I’m trying to figure out whether they are being funny, or being serious, because I can’t tell…)

Since picking her up on Saturday, things have been slightly awkward with my sister, I have tried to get back into old speech habits that we had last summer, but it is not the same. She is not as interested as I am in rewatching TV series, or getting excited about Colin Morgan with me (whom, might I add, I have a lot to be excited for).

I’ll just try and paint the picture of what my typical day with my sister would be like last summer. I would wake up about 7.30-8, and text her to wake up, because I didn’t want to be loud and potentially wake everyone else up, then I would go for a smoke, and she would come out. Then, we would just sit in each other’s company, and watch TV, read books, go on twitter, and talk about what we were getting excited to do over the coming weeks, drink tea. It wasn’t much, but it was an easy familiarity that I had with my sister where I knew what to expect, and I knew what we were doing. We would always sit in our conservatory, and basically not move for the rest of the day.

Since she’s come home this summer, things have changed. It might be a bit premature to say things like this, and I’ll probably do an update in a couple of weeks, but she has become more distant with me, and she doesn’t want to do things with me, and just generally is very short tempered, and thinks everyone thinks too highly of me (this is something she said to me earlier this evening when I asked her if she wanted to come back into the kitchen with me to sit down and watch TV).

I’m hoping that this will calm down over the next couple of days, as I do want my sister back. Mam thinks she’s just missing her boyfriend, and that I am the first person she will take it out on because she knows I won’t stand up for myself, and that I was always the first person she came to at home too.

But here’s to hoping.

I hope everyone’s had a great week.

Thanks for reading.

 

P.S. Sorry for a really long and rambling post, it’s kind of just rambled…

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Week 21: Of Settling In

I have been home for a total of three weeks and two days now, and I still can’t seem to settle down at home. Everything that I do in the day is not the same, and I can’t seem to bring my usual routine and make it work here.

It’s kinda putting me on edge because I liked the way I did things, and if things are out of order, or joy what I usually do then I forget things, or I’m thinking so hard on what I should be doing at a specific time that I never get anything done.

My routine was pretty simple, but it was something I had control over, and this is something I feel that I’m lacking, and that I can’t decide what I want to do.

Also, my family can be loud, and that hurts my ears, so I spend most of the time telling them to be quieter, or to shut the window in the car, because if don’t like cold air, or the sound of howling wind. Though, I’ve never particularly been a fan of car rides anyway…

So, yeah, I’m not settling in at home. It feels more like a holiday break than anything, and that it doesn’t register to me that I’m here for the foreseeable future.

And if the foreseeable future is like this, then I’m not going to enjoy it all that much. I’m not sure how many more tv series of dresses I can take…

Thanks for reading.

P.S. Sorry for not posting yesterday, I’ve been kind of having a meltdown…

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Week 20: Of Moving Rooms

I type today after finally moving back into my own bedroom, and finally having my own space again. Over the last week since I moved home, I’ve slept in my sister’s room, my brother’s room and finally my own room.

It’s been kind of difficult because it’s basically my own fault. I’ve always had issues with just putting my stuff in my room in corners at my home and pretending that it doesn’t exist and the corner of the room is where it’s supposed to stay. I’m also a tiny little bit of a hoarder, so I’ve come across things in the last week that brought back all kinds of nostalgia. Like, I rediscovered my old Anime magazine collection that I’d been keeping, my old soft toy cat collection, my roller skates, and even down to things such as like old shoes that I knew before I moved out for uni I would never wear again, but I just didn’t want to get rid of.

But that’s mainly where the problem began, and over the last three years of moving homes and living away from home I’ve gathered quite a few new things, and newer things that I want to hoard. And none of that was going to fit in my room, and honestly? My room will never be big enough to fill all my stuff in it. I’ve painstakingly spent the last two days sorting through my room under my mother’s supervision so that she stopped my from keeping all my stuff to make room for my new stuff. The only problem now being I’ve got my room nice and empty to the way I would like to keep it and I kinda don’t want to move all my stuff back in here now.

I didn’t even know my room could get so much space in it. Like I’ve rearranged my chair in my room so it now faces the TV, so I can now watch TV, I’ve gotten rid of the desk in my room so I can move in a bigger bookcase (not that that’s even remotely big enough to house all my books), and my room just feels nice, and I kind of don’t want to destroy that.

So, I’m brining my mum back up with me and we’re going to sort through it all again and move my stuff back up here and keep as much space up here as we can so that I can have space in my room.

I’m hoping this all works out because I like the idea of having a moving bedside table so that I can put my laptop on it when I want to type, or when I want to sit at my chair and watch films I’ve got a little table for drinks. I’ll be able to do stuff with my room that I’ve only ever dreamed of doing.

Though, the idea of going through all my stuff has given me nightmares, there was so much stuff in here that I didn’t want to get rid of because everything was where I wanted it to be, and everything that was in here that was mine was something that held some sort of value to me. And there are some things that I’ve kept because they mean a lot to me, and I hid them before my mum had the chance to see them and take them away from me.

But on the upside, I’m feeling a lot happier than I was up in uni. I still have this deep-seated sense of not knowing what to do with myself, and I’m really bored because I don’t think I’ve properly settled down yet, and I probably won’t for weeks. It doesn’t feel like I’m able to say I just want to go to my room yet. I still feel like I’m only here for the holidays and that I’ll be leaving soon so I need to spend as much time as I can with my parents.

But I’m sure that’ll all change soon.

Sorry for the really long post today. I didn’t actually think it would be all that long, but it’s turned out to be a big one.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I’ve got a job interview for a full time job coming up and it’s kind of scary. It’s not what I want to do for a living, but it’s some form of money coming in, and I need that at the moment…

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Week 19: Of Moving Home

On Sunday, I moved home for what seems to be on a more permanent basis than I first thought. I mean, finding a job is currently not something that is all that high on my priority list. I feel like I just need to chill out, and to find the job that I really want, I first need to get money to move to that area. Something that I’m severely lacking on at the moment.

So, my job prospects are pretty low at the moment, but I’m not too fussed at the moment, and I can deal with it for now, and just read a book and chill out.

 

Sorry, this is going to be quite a short post today, I’m not feeling 100%, and this is something that always happens when I know I’m coming home for a specific amount of time. Like, my body can’t handle the change, and just decides it’s going to throw whatever kind of illness it wants at me. It’s just a one of those things, and then I begin to wonder if anyone else does this? I always have trouble getting used to things when I come back home, like I literally can’t get back into a decent routine for a good couple of days, and no matter how hard I try, my family just lead different kinds of lives to me.

But, on the upside, it was my birthday a couple of days ago, and I finally got the new computer I’ve been waiting over a year for, and knew I was getting properly at Easter. I’ll just tell you that I love it, and it’s so much better than my old one. It even autocorrects me as I type. I didn’t even know computer’s could do that!

It’s an Apple MacBook Pro with Retina display, and I don’t think I’ll ever settle for a different computer now. Like, I could spend the rest of my life staring at this computer screen and know that I would be totally happy with it.

Though the keyboard is a little weird, and that’s going to take a little while to get used to, because it doesn’t require me smacking the keys to get anywhere with it…

But, anyhow, I hope everyone else has been having a good week, and I’ll see you all next week where I’m hopefully more coherent and able to write a little bit more.

Thanks for reading.

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Week 18: Of Finishing Uni

So, today I officially finished my degree. It’s strange, I was so excited to finish my essays and have everything handed in that I never really thought about what it was going to be like after actually finishing everything.

So, here was my motions of completing my last essay.
1) finish the read through, can’t find much too fault. But, also anxious, I don’t want to print it because it means everything is definitely over, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

2) after finally building the courage to print it, (and then discovering I didn’t have enough printer credits to actually print it, so I had to put more money on my account), I printed it. I still felt anxious.

3) it was a big document at 40 pages long, which I printed single sided to annoy the librarian and the stupid rules of being charged to print off my essays, so I decide to get it bound. More anxiety. This is definitely coming so close to the end.

4) essay handed in. I walk home. I sit down and ring my mum. I’m slightly shell shocked. Three years of my life is over, and I’m not sure I’m feeling relief yet.

5) I decide to go to town. A wander, and relaxation. I treat myself to a juice smoothie. I sit down in the mall, and stare at my phone because I don’t want to look at people. And I can pretend that people aren’t looking at me then, either. At some point I’m this trip, something hits and I feel suddenly very exhausted. But there’s a flat viewing in my flat 2-2.30, and not feeling particularly like hosting people, I force myself to stay out that extra bit longer.

6) upon arriving home, I lay down on the bed. I’m definitely tired now, weeks and weeks of late nights, early mornings and definitely lots of stress is unwinding. I fall asleep.

So, that’s basically been my day. I am actually still exhausted, and lacking in direction for my life, but it’s over. And I’m still processing that fact. But I’m chilling out now, it’s my birthday on Friday, and then I’m moving back home on Sunday.

So, yeah, I’m officially no longer a student.

I hope everyone’s had a good week.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. Since I’m moving homes next Sunday, my Monday post might be late and pushed back to Tuesday or Wednesday. It depends on what I’m like on Monday…
P.P.S. Apologies for any spelling or grammatical mistakes. It’s late, I’m tired, I’m on my iPad, and I have no glasses on…

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